Okay not so much a rant as something that annoys me a little, it is a small thing but as I keep seeing it time and time again I felt it needed a little clarification.

Have you ever noticed that on most of the forums and wbesites when you need to choose a language the vast majority only list English US and not English?

I'd like to clarify here there is NO SUCH THING as English US, it is not a REAL language. Changing a few dozen words does not a NEw language make.

If anything the US dialect of English could count as a regional variation in much the same way as certain words and slang vary across the UK with say Geordies or Liverpudlians or even the Scots (who although not english also speak English) etc. The have a bunch of words that differ from the standard for explaining the same things as well as regional contractions, abbreviations and slang.. but they are simply regional variations not new languages and the US dialect is no difference.

English is the language.. US is the dialect, there is however no such language as English USD

Okay its that time again.. NeoWolf is pondering once more.

Tonight I'd like to share some thoughts on Friendship and what it means to me.

I'm not sure how others view the defintion of friendship, indeed over my life I have been left with the impression that despite having had hundreds of friends, only a handful of them have been what I truly define as being a "friend".

The Collins dictionary defines a friend as being nperson whom one knows well and likes; supporter and ally.

But to me that does not define friendship as the description above is entirely one sided, whereas friendship, true friendship is entirely reciprocal.

I can like someone and support them when in need without being thier friend as such things actions make an acquiantance. I can offer support or aid to someone i've just met without being thier friend, and indeed I can like someone without ever needed or having spoken to them, but it doesnt make them my friend or me thiers. Although I may be more predisposed and therfore "friendly" toward such people.

But in my mind true friendship is an outlook of mutual liking, support and alliance, common ground and outlooks shared by both sides of the equation, and going by such a definition I have had only a handful of "true" friends, indeed I can name them without difficulty.

Andrew Baker, Rachel Booth, Donna "Donut" Bish, Steven Butler, Christopher "frodo" Youle, Daniel "scoff" Scothorne, and Leia Booker. Ironically only one of whom I am still in contact with (due to moving over the years and having lost touch).

Yes I had just as many female friends as male friends, although as an aside I dont entirely refute the claim that men and women cant be "just" friends as truth is of the women I mention above I loved every one of them and always will, though was never a couple with any of the three.

Each one of those individuals has at some point in my life been a real and true friend and on such a level I have reciprocated that friendship entirely, those people were there for me, they didn't judge, they were always willing to listen, they had my back and showed real concern and support when needed and vice versa in all regards, indeed I have even bled for my friends when occasion has necessitated it (though that is another blog or two entirely).

I find it unusual then that in this day and age we use the term "friend" so readily.. I think its meaning has been watered down in our minds somewhat in much the same way as words like "love", or "Commitment" have. We are so used to hearing them we no longer associate the strong and bonding things they represent in quite the same way. We fling them out like seed to the soil without any real thought as to thier meaning, and as a result of this people don't tend to associate the words when we use them in quite the ways we may hope.

Everyone of those friends I remember with warmness and always will, and in the case of Ms Bish she will remain my first true love till my dying day. And I hope they have all had very happy and fortuitious lives, and that true unhappiness, and tragedy has, and continues to overlook them.

So I put it to you fellow readers, how do you view the word "Friend" do those you call friend view it the same way? How many of those you use the term in reference too really are your true friends as opposed to those you are friendly with?

And further to this I urge you that in using the term to those whom you view this way, to mean it in the defintion in which it is most purely and truely represented.. Friendship should come from the heart and it should be binding and meaningful and be rewarding to you both.

Peace.

So I'm wondering..have you ever just stopped and let life unfold around you? taken a moment to look around you and really think about things?

I have recently, I find while walking my dog of an evening I tend to think a lot about things, but yesterday I just stopped and for a few minutes breathed in the world around me, opened my eyes and my nose and my ears to the world in which I live.

Around me I saw rubbish thrown into the hedges and on the floor, shards of glass everywhere from dozens of broken beer bottles, I saw people heading up the road trying to flag down taxis obviously inebriated, the air was thick with the smell of car fumes, and fast food. The walls and street signs around me were covered with tags and all around, all I could hear was cars and people..the all encompassing humdrum of life in the modern world, much of which we learn to tune out.

And then it started to rain.. now most people hate the rain, me I love it, its the only time we ever get a remote glimpse of the world as it should be.. the background sounds were drowned out by the sound of the rain hitting the pavement, the smell of pollution cleared briefly and the air was fresher than usual..and I was left with a thought, when did we as a society lose sight of things?

We cover everything with concrete, which in turn our disenfranchised youth vandalises or destroys for lack of anything to occupy thier time or expand thier minds.. We put buildings and homes up everywhere packing us in like sardines, living in each others pockets, We all drive cars because they make our journeys faster and simpler but none of us consider the implications of us all driving, we buy and consume pre-cooked TV dinners because none of us has the inclination or time to learn how to cook properly or do so for our families.. We work every hour that god sends in order to pay bills that never go away and frequently increase in amount.

Indeed our whole focus is over earning enough money doing things we hate to enjoy a few luxuries or enjoy a holiday as if the endless acquisitioon of wealth or accumulation of goods will make our perception of our existence in society any easier to swallow.

Oftentimes our way of coping with the humdrum of our daily routines is by binge drinking and losing control of a Friday night, or taking recreational drugs in the hopes they will make our perceptions of our lives seem less hasslesome for a few hours or the horrible things we accept easier pills to swallow.

Jobs become scarcer, industry goes abroad where its cheaper, Unemployment rates soar, while at home what businesses remain become dominated by pubs, clubs, fast food joints all manner of Entertainment based outlets places for us to forget.. places that will distract us from looking around at society and seeing it for the broken ideal it now is, the endless mistakes we as a society make and compound day after day after day without end.

People everywhere are unhappy with society and yet comply with it, flaws and all because its too much effort to change, or protest, or look for a better way..we have become complacent and lazy even when it would better suit us and our lot to be otherwise.

And perhaps the saddest thing of it all, is once upon a time we were all free, we knew things, valuable things, we were hunters, gatherers, survivors, explorers, inventors, we saw the world and lived in it, we had a place not just in the world but in the cycle of things, we lived in harmony, we didnt conquer, consume or control everything and we didnt need to.. But these days we are so downtrodden that we accept our lot with a murmur and the hopeful wish someday things will get better, if only someone other than us makes them so.

When as a society did we become so complacent, when did we stop looking around and asking questions..when did we stop caring or trying to make things better? We take everything for granted, we are like spoiled children, set loose in the garden of Eden and we are tearing it down, bit by bit day after day..

We have each become an island unto ourselves where our only concerns are ourselves, and how things affect or benefit us individually..we no longer have concern or compassion for each other for the most part.

How many times have you said "not my problem"? or "someone else will sort it"?, "I don't care"?

Society is failing and we do nothing, Resources are running out and we don't care, People turn on each other out of frustration and we turn away.. the World is dying ladies and gentlemen and we are the architects of its destruction. Our society as it stands is failing us all, its ideals are fixed and unmalleable like some anachronism and unless we change how we act, how we are, how we think, even how we treat each other.. the time of man as the dominant species on this world will end long, long before our sun breathes its final breath and winks out for all time.

Take a moment, stop, breathe in the world around you and ask yourself is this what I really want? And if it isnt think of ways you can help change it.. be nicer to people, offer help simply because you can not because your asked, put your refuse in a bin, recycle, do not lose yourself to the moment and get drunk or high instead enjoy something in moderation and strike up a conversation instead.. Take the bus to work half the days of the week or better yet walk or cycle. Improve your lot and your loutlook and in doing so encourage others to do the same and maybe then, maybe when we finally see the value of things and the cost of our actions once more..we will be able to grow as a species, as a society.

This may all sound like hippy nonsense but its true we need to evolve as a society not just as a species we need to stop doing things simply because were expected too and do things because they are right or need to be done, we need to help ourselves make things better for all of us.. because the sad fact is when were done abusing each other and this ball of dirt we live on, it will no longer continue to be someone elses problem, it will be ALL of our problems and at the end of the day it and each other is all we have.

Ever asked yourself those questions?

Why Am I Here?, Is there a Point to it all?

I've found myself thinking about those very things on and off for years now.. and do you know what conclusions I've come too?

I'm here to learn, to experience life in all its multiude and dichotomous flavour and content..
The point of life is simple, it really is. We all look for some deep meaning or driving point to it, some higher purpose or predestined conclusion, heck even to the extent that we all deep down just hope it will all be a good experience... but the truth to the point of life is just this.. the point of life, is life itself, it really is that simple.

In living we fulfill our purpose, there is no grand scheme, no predetermined events, no unavoidable futures.

Indeed, whatever we experience good or bad and it should be noted life isn't in a perfect balance of both, things are predominantly more bad than good (but then how would we learn to appreciate what was good if we did not value it? and we learn to value it by appreciating its gift through our experience of bad things). Every decision we make has a butterfly effect each of us represents a ripple on the surface of the water that is our intertwining lives and existences, sometimes we intersect with each other sometimes we don't..but along the way we have the opportunity to constantly assess events, learn from them, find the value or the lesson in all things and hopefully come out the other side having learnt to appreciate everything we've done with our lives as thier are no wrong or right choices.

Remember there are no guaruntees in life, people frequently do not get the outcomes they want, or get to make the choices they would have liked. Nor do we always get to leave the impact and impression on others we had hoped for.

But rest assured of one thing, if nothing else in life we are all capable of taking something positive away from whatever we experience if only we open ourselves to the prospect that there indeed IS something to be learned. And whatever comes after if anything at all..we will enter into it better prepared and with a lifetimes insights into the how and the why of it all. Our difficulty in understanding life comes most frequently not from our inability to ask the questions, but in opening ourselves to the answers.

Hmm well here I am first moment to myself all day, had to sit with my mum pretty much sicne I opened my eyes today..so much for a lie in

She was hysterical this morning so had to calm her down, talk to her, rationalise things for her, and point out the upsides which she isnt seeing for herself at the moment while she's ill and in such constant pain. Thankfully she's nice and calm now, even got her to eat her dinner..first proper meal in three days. Today is a good day

Watching NCIS now (very good if you havent seen it and like CSI type progs you'll love it).. and pondering whether or not to have a drink of tea..mmm

In large part due to a friends blog tonight I was left wondering about signs, the zoidac and how accurate they are about describing us..

I started with my Element

Cancer
the crab
June 21 to July 22

quality cardinal
symbol crab's claws
element water
principle passive
natural sign of fourth house
ruler Moon
opposite sign Capricorn
anatomy breast, stomach, upper lobes of liver
colours blue, white, green, silver, gray, yellow-orange, brown, violet
metal silver
flowers water lillies, larkspur, honeysuckle
stones emerald, black onyx, pearls, selenite, crystal, diamond, carnelian, ruby, moonstone
incense cedar, cinnamon, sandalwood
musical notes B and D#
numbers 1, 2, 5, 6, 8, 11, 13
tarot cards the chariot, the high priestess, the empress
key phrase I feel
keyword devotion

Uncannily sensitive and psychic. The depths from which this person can cull emotion is unparalled.
Think of a crab - mushy on the inside, but hard shell covering, with protective pinchers. Crabs scuttle along sideways. You must make it past their defenses, and into their heart. Once you are there, you can bask in the glow of a unqualified type of love we all wish our mothers had to give us.

Positive Characteristics:
tenacious, intuitive, maternal, domestic, sensitive, retentive, helpful, sympathetic, emotional, patriotic, good memory, traditional
Negative Characteristics:
brooding, touchy, sensitive, negative, manipulative, overly cautious, lazy, selfish, self-pitying, traditional

hmm some of that is spot on concerning me.. some not so convinced about..

lets see next chineses Zodiac.

The Year of the Ox

1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997

People born in the Year of the Ox are patient, speak little, and inspire confidence in others. They tend, however, to be eccentric, and bigoted, and they anger easily. They have fierce tempers and although they speak little, when they do they are quite eloquent. Ox people are mentally and physically alert. Generally easy-going, they can be remarkably stubborn, and they hate to fail or be opposed. They are most compatible with Snake, Rooster, and Rat people.

Now much of that is absolutely spot on... except bigoted i'm about as far removed from being bigoted as one can get I don't hate easy and when I do it is bright in intensity but brief in duration..hating requires too much effort to maintain..ugh liking folks is much easier.

Hmm be warned all I'm waxing philosophical tonight.. heh

What do guys really want?

Im sure its a question women have asked for eons, and I know the men have always wondered the same with regard to women.

Well I may not have the answers you seek, but I may be able to give you some insight, if only from my perspective as a guy, some fo which may be construed as a generalisation by other guys.

Men are Predators its true no doubt harkening back to our cave man hunter/provider days we enjoy the chase, perhaps more so than the capture.. and that translates to our pursuit of women, far too often we chase them simply because they are there as opposed to us chasing them because we want them. This is also no doubt why some men cheat, fulfilling a baser instinct simply because the urge and opportunity was there, which with thought and hindsight they may otherwise not have done. This doesnt excuse such activities but does explain them somewhat.

Do Men only think about Sex? no, though we do think about it often, indeed it is true we are driven by our urges in this regard far more than we'd probably like, even the most "in control" us. this isn't necessarily a bad thing without this urge humanity would almost certainly have never grown populous enough to become the worlds dominant species... heck without it we'd likely have been as disinterested as Panda Bears and probably gone the way of the dodo. It can however get in the way as we are easy to arouse and grump and irrational when frustrated.

Is it true the way to a mans heart is through his stomach?.. well I thinks its fairly safe to say yes in this regard to most guys. We like a decent feed and if its home made it shows us you care, because you made the effort. However it should also be noted a fair few of us also enjoy cooking (and even know how to wash up) and enjoy others complimenting us on our own culinary skills and sharing a meal with the one we love.

Are all men afraid of commitment? no, thought the reason some are is typically because they are afraid that by tying themselves to one person they may miss other opportunities that they may consider better or more beneficial. It is a selfish and petty reason but nevertheless oftentimes the case. However that said unless actively tempted away or momentarily driven by doubts or what has been missed out on and losing sight of what matters briefly most men who do commit are loyal when happy.

Do all guys love sports and going out drinking with the guys? Simply put..no, just as many of us these days find the notion of watching the footie orgoing out every night tedious and dull.. indeed its true with the gender roles changing as much as they are these days plenty of guys would be just as happy curled up in front of the TV watching a DVD with the one they love. To say all men love to watch sports and go out all the time with guys is a bit too much of a stereotype.

Starting to see a pattern unravel? yup you got it men are as varied in what they want as women are, some of us like to be bad boys some of us dont, some of us like to talk and get deep and meaningful, some of us dont and think talking too much just confuses matters. Some of us like to argue, others will go to great lengths to avoid them. some of us are happy to stay at home and raise the kids while thier partners earn the money others like to be the chief bread winner. Indeed a lot of these differences can be tied to certasin generations and the beliefs that were held when people of certain ages were growing up.. but a lot of roles are changing these days, the gender roles are shifting dramatically.

For the more modern men the best way to determine what they want is to look at women women used to want, as many of them are now filling a role that women used to and so are livign lives where needs and wants are driven by similar concerns.

Easiest way to find out what a man wants is the one most often overlooked.. ask him.

Key to all successful relationships is now, and will always remain good communication skills. The vast majority of problems and arguments arise from false assumptions about what the other wants or expects...take the time to find out, ask the questions and be happier for doing so.

I want to talk a little about Physical Size, Weight, and differences of all sorts if you will and how they are perceived in society, and how we judge others based purely on appearance all the time and not necessarily for the best.

Indeed I doubt anyone would refute the claim that society in general and the media in a large way has affected our opinions with regards to people of size, big or small, or indeed almost any form of physcial difference. With regard to size at the moment small is very much En vogue, but it wasn't always so and in some places in the world even today people of size are respected greatly.

I wonder how many of the people reading this have judged someone based on size, big or small, or judged based on some other phsycial imperfection be it a club foot, a speech impediment, birth mark, scar, freckles, skin tone, disability or a plethora of other "differences" even down to things as silly as the clothes on thier backs (does a label really have any bearing on whether you are a good person or not, to some apparently it does).

Indeed it has always mystified me that society has generation after generation taught its offspring and filled thier heads with bigoted comments or illconcieved notions, flooded thier head with images of skinny sickly looking people and telling them that this is what they should aspire too, or ostracising people based on disability, skin tone, clothing, or other differences..

As a species we have the most horrendous opinions of our fellow humans based purely on how they look. We judge without realising it based on appearance all the time, and for us to grow as a species we need to learn to accept difference not separate it, ridicule it, and treat it like some illness that needs to be cut away from the whole in order to make it better.

I put it to you readers, the next time you see someone very large, very small, or so called "odd" looking, before you turn away or point and stare, stop for a moment to say hello to that person, strike up a conversation see them for the fellow human being they are and treat them just so, and you may be surprised to learn the simple truth of the matter....they are people too just like you and me.

Something also to bare in mind for every assumption you make of someone else based on appearance...chances are several people are also making assumptions regarding you too.

In this day and age their really is no excuse for such ignorance, let us not go backward as a species but instead put away old notions that only serve to prevent our growth and move forward as a people. For all the differences we would point out their is no changing the fact we are all one species "human beings", time to acknowledge that "sameness", and accept that for as much as we are all one kind, we are all also individuals and our uniqueness whatever its origin is.. OKAY.

Peace.

Okay I'vbe covered the serious things in my life at the moment.. so now I'll touch on one of the things I do in my spare time.

Playtesting
What is playtesting you ask? well in this regard it is playtesting Roleplaying Game supplement, rulebooks and adventures. Namely where an Editor is responsible for checking spelling and grammar a playtester is responsible for checking game mechanics, balance and statistics. However unlike an editor playtesters do NOT get paid, which si something I'll discuss some more below.

I've playtested roleplaying games for five years now and have playtested over 200 books across half a dozen publishers. Playtesting can take anywhere from a weekend to a year..for any particular book dependant upon the size, content, number of drafts, and intended release date. Various companies also handle playtesting in various ways some have forums where feedback comments are posted as an when and means of fixing them discussed, others take all feedback and release a new draft, which is then itself gone over and so on and so forth until it is objection free. And then there are those companies that take a report of findings all fo which go off to the company and author of a book and its left to them to decide what fo this feedback they correct and what they don't, oftentimes without the playtester knowing what gets altered and what doesnt before the book is released.

So what is the pay off for all this time and effort you ask? well thats the thing... it varies, it didn't always vary but with the most recent boom in the roleplaying industry and the companies that came about from it due to Wizards of the Coasts release of Dungeons and Dragons 3.0 (and later revised 3.5 edition) it has varied greatly.

Of old the expected price of playtesting was a complimentary copy of the book your playtested as well as your name in the front under playtesting credits.

However the recent tendency has been.. wait for it... nothing, just your name in the front.. and let me tell you your name in the front means nada.. indeed the only people who read playtesting credits in a book are the playtesters themselves. So how do these companies get away with it, simple because there are a steady supply of willing playtesters (note I say willing not necessarily competent) so these companies don't care whether we like that they don't give us a complinetary copy or not, if we gripe they can replace us and they know it. Competent playtesters have for the most part become an overhead they can cut as if they are doign us the favour by letting us check thier releases for them.. its crazy.

Now I have to say there are some companies out there that do not follow this tendency and indeed without generalising too much I would say that those that do still provide complinetary copies are predominantly outside of the U.S.
Perhaps the best of these and the one with whom I've had my longest standing relation with and playtested over a 105 books for to date is our own Mongoose Publishing

Mongoose Publishing

I suspect many of these companies believe that every member of a playtest group expects a copy but generally that is not so, roleplayers function as groups, one running it the rest playing in it as such the necessity is only really there for one book to be available to be of use for the group.

I'll tell you a little secret now, since I began playtesting I've done so as a group..despite the fact I have only ever been just me a single individual doing the job. Indeed up until recently I roleplayed every week running a game for my "so called" friends and have run RPG games every week for the last 25 years right back to the time I actual started playing myself. My group happily signed the NDA (non disclosure agreements) as they were happy to have thier names in the book but were too lazy to participate, so I did it all myself. Indeed I have done so, so competently I have been noted for the quality of my playtesting and am also quite proud of the fact that I have never missed a deadline or even come close.

It would howeever be nice if the companies out there could give us playtesters the credite we deserve and pay us our fair and honest dues by providing a complimentary copy for our hard work. HEck the editors get a wage.. that would be even better, but for most of us we do it because we love the game and as such a book that we work hard and shed blood, sweat and tears to get right for a company should be the least they can do.

I wont name the companies I have had dealings with that don't provide copies, they know who they are and Im sure they've a thousand excuses why they don't do the right thing, but the long and short of it is this.

You may be able to get a horde of willing yet useless testers to pretend to test a book in order to get thier name in the front, but if you want the job doing well and right your going to have to rethink your policies as we legitemate playtesters deserve our dues.

So that brings me more or less to recent times... 33 years old almost, living in the spare room of my folks home, (when I say folks I mean my moms, my dad doesnt actually live here thought does stay here sometimes...don't ask its complicated and thats a story for thier blog not mine), no job, no income, no partner, no offspring..and due to recent events only one friend in the world that isn't my relative.. my only companion throughout the whole thing is whichever dog I happen to have at the time (big dog lover, always have a pet dog..keeps you sane).

Before I continue I should back up a little in order to note something of some relevance. Around October 05' my mother had a fall at work, she was a manageress for a charity shop. And by November 05' she was beginning to suffering terrible pain in her groin and side so much so she was unable to work despite numerous attempts to return to her job. By December she is in hospital thinking she's looking at a possible hip replacement (she's in her late 50's)..the doctors have her on an opiate called Fentanyl, commonly given to post surgery or terminal patients.. indeed for a time there, the amount of pain she was in had them thinking cancer! thankfully it wasn't. However once she was taken off the Fentanyl she began to suffer intense and horrendous burning pains, which she describes as though someone was putting burning coals on her, as well as extreme nausea. The doctors ran test after test all of which apparently came back normal except for some deterioration of the spine, and a hiatus hernia and Di-vaticulitus she had...but the burning and the nausea continued to get worse.

Fast forward to the present day and suddenly I'm finding myself needed to become my mothers official carer as she continues to deteriorate, not something I ever thought I'd have to do, but at the same time not something I had to think about twice before accepting, she is my mum, enough said.

She still has all her marbles, but is in excruciating pain most of the time, no medication seems to work, she's losing weight due to her inability to eat much, the doctors are at a loss for the cause, and she's fast losing the will to cope with things.

Indeed I can, safe with all honesty say noone has actually felt true turmoil and pain until they have seen thier own mother reduced to tears like a wailing child and begging for someone to take her pain away, and being unable to provide any respite for her beyond a few soothing words and hopes that some cause for her pain will be found and treated...eventually.

Oddly the closest thing I've seen symptom wise has been chronic anxiety? She is seeing a neurologist soon in order to rule out any form of nerve damage or disorder, and then I imagine things will likely be steered along looking into possible psychological causes.. its tough to say and tough to watch, indeed things are tough all round, but we'll deal with things as they happen as that is what families do, and she is my mother, to do any less for her than my best wouldn't be right.

But it just goes to show you never can tell what is around the corner, every day something new and unexpected, good or bad, right or wrong.. every day is a new frontier upon which we are the pioneers, I only hope I find the new world in this instance with my mother beside me still.

be well, avid readers and be sure to phone your mothers and tell them you care..as you never know which tommorrow may be your last chance.

I thought I'd touch a little on expectations.. we all have them. In this instance I'm going to blog a little about life expectations.

From an early age we all have things we want to be or do..some realistic, some not so. Indeed when I was in school I can remember speaking to the careers advisor about various options. My fellow students would state desires to be footballers and astronauts, join the army and all the other common expectations at such an age..

However me, I knew from the age of 12 or so that all I wanted was to be a husband and a father. I didn't want to change the world, make a mint, or become a superstar. I simply wanted someone to come home too whose priority I was, and they were mine, a couple of kids to impart some wisdom too and dote on horribly, a house in the burbs, a steady income and maybe a cheap old four door to get us from A to B... essentially the things that millions worldwide take for granted day in and day out..

The eye opener for me came around my 30th birthday when I had yet to come close to almost any of those mundane expectations... the jobs I had tended to be short lived (more due to the state of the economy and country than anything I did, indeed I've never quit or been fired whatever the job I've done in my life ever, yet still I have a few redundancies under the belt all of which knocked me for six), as a result of which I never had the money to get my own home or simple little four door, and lacking the means to socialise enough to meet many women (and being of a larger build than I once was..read pie muncher the field is somewhat smaller than it once was for me to wander through in that regard) and the ones I do meet tend to be either less than expected with bugbears of thier own they "Really" need to deal with before getting into a relationship, or not as they portray themselves.

Short and wide of which, is here I am now in my 33rd year, single and forced by circumstance to be living in the spare room at my folks once again.. How the world turns, actually it turned out to be fortuitous (see later blurb) as things would turn out. But isnt it funny how we start out with expectations both simple and extreme but never really knowing from one day to the next how things will turn out.

It has alwasy amused me how diverse and unexpected the moments are in which we live.. indeed we are all on a ship headed to the same destination (our eventual demise), but the route we found ourselves going along the way varies wildly from whatever we expect or oftentimes hope for, but its certainly never dull

May as well kick off with a subject of recent relevance to me.. Fate, how fickle it is, how our judgements are affected by our wants, how we fool ourselves to believe in things we know are not quite what we hope, and how people really are far too often a disappointment to each other.

Some months ago I met became good friends with someone who at the time was engaged to one of my friends, we became friends nothing else..all very innocent, we would chat most days about stuff, our particular group fo friends come together to roleplay mostly so we all have that in common.

Anyway through our regular chats I learned a few worrisome (although unfounded as it turns out..though she still used them to her own benefit) things concerning her fiance another of my friends (the identities of everyone are withheld for obvious reasons) and she stated she was planning to leave him.. I was naturally sympathetic but also had to pretend I knew nothing when around her fiance who I would have considered one of my best friends before things happened.

This continued for some time, and over the course of a few months, and quite unexpectedly the lady in question and myself seemed to hit it off. However apart from flirting nothing happened and we would chat each day as normal though there was obvious chemistry, I discovered she had liked me for some time (and in turth I had liked her for a long time too, but she was with my friend and that was that as far as I was concerned), and had always thought I did not like her (i must give off some misleading signals...go figure).

Obviously because of her ties to my friend I had no interest in taking things any further while they were together, and that is what we agreed.. We did however plan to see where things would go when they were no longer together, which as far as I am concerned was innocent enough and not doing wrong by anyone, indeed although we would chat about where things would go when she was single again, and she would state how things were at home etc..nothing untoward happened with us throughout (with the exception of one drink fuelled occasion much further down the line, something which I was very ashamed at the time).

Then a month or so in and Fate intervened, turns out my friend, her fiance for whatever reason suspected she was upto something (which she wasn't, well nto with me at any rate), but no doubt born out of the problems they were having that were precipitating thier breakup and he began monitoring her online conversations. Effectively recording them while he was at work and reading them secretly when he came home without her knowledge, which of course led to him discovering her intent to see where things would go with me when they split, which had still yet to happen (she was a terrible coward of confrontation..seemingly).

By this time I had grown quite enamoured with her and although looking forward to when she was single so we could see what developed, and desperately sorry for how the split would affect her fiance my good friend, and depsite the great lengths we had gone to to hide our attraction from all concerned (our first concern my friend, her fiances well being)... when he saw that we chatted and what about he naturally jumped to the wrong conclusion and assumed we had been having an affair for months, things kicked off, our group of friends were split apart, my friend (her fiance) now blaming me for the state of thier already all but done relationship (which was already done as far as she was concerned) and people assuming she and I had been at it like rabbits every afternoon since we met (some four years or so previous), which of course was utter rubbish.

And then the plot thickens...

Then suddenly I discover from one of my other friends in our group that the female in question had been seeing him secretly for about four months (a full on phyiscal affair), which included all the time she had been speaking too and planning a future with me! He however had gotten eaten up with guilt over the affair and called it off a few days after she had started professing her feeling for me?? confused? yup I was too..

Next I hear she has said she will go into councilling with my (now not friend, her fiance) who is blaming me for everything (not our other friend who she DID have an actual affair with, though he wasnt friends with him anymore either), and she is acting all innocent and demure "what me guv...". type attitude and no doubt placing the blame firmly on me and the other guy.

Things start getting real shady here, but I somewhat blindly at that point was convinced she had meant everything she said to me and despite her having cheat with my other friend blindly believed still she had meant everything she said to me, and indeed despite being in councilling with her fiance contacted me throughout and in secret to say as much, and that she wasnt planning to make a go of it with him...and indeed a few weeks later she left him and moved back into her parents, and of course stayed in contact with me, we'd planned to get a flat together even discussed eventual marriage, she professed her love and I was buying it hook, line, and sinker etc... blinded to the truth that had been screaming at me for a few months by that time.

And then...

(By which time all my other friends with the exception of three (one of whom was the one she did have an affair with) had pretty much written me off and the guy she did have an affair with and we'd suddenly become pariahs).

Once back at her parents within days really she suddenly changed, became very cold, distant, her stories and excuses became a lot less plausible, through too December 25th 2005 when I got a text to state her father had been attacked by a group of thugs and was in intensive care not expected to live the night and never to contact her again?? (the story about her father was a total fabrication I might add, such an attack would have been all over the news but it wasnt because it never happened... not to mention her parents don't actually live that far from me yet she for some reasons thinks I wouldn't know she was lying).

Hurt, confusion, anger I had them all..still do, very much so.. I was used. She had come into my life, made me like her, promised me the world, fed me every line in the book and then when we finally could be together she pulled the rug from under my feet without explanation and left me to deal with the flak, my friends having abandoned me and blaming me for her and my old friend her ex-fiances split and refusing to listen to reason or explanation.. she'd gone through my life like a combine harvester goes through a field, leaving a swathe of devastation behind her.

I still to this day have absolutely no idea whether anything she told me was true or not, somehow I doubt it, no I know it wasn't. For someone with an I.Q od 126, which supposedly puts me in the top ten percentile of the UK.. I suddenly felt amoeba smart.

In the months that followed two of the three friends that supposedly stood by me have also gone with the herd and cut ties and contact.. leaving me and the guy she DID cheat (who I don't blame he got suckered too) a pair of idiot savant friends left to deal with the aftermath.

Worse yet after a brief and somewhat childish message from her ex-fiance recently I get the impression he is still convinced she wasn't to blame and that we are the evil ones who wrecked his life and is seemingly chasing after her again. This I find very sad as my suspiscions are that she used us as the excuse to break her relationship as once that was done she dropped ties PDQ. She has no interest in him at all but even he is still too blind to see how much she played him for a mug, indeed its likely she is only on talking terms with him now in order to assume the split fo assets is done amicably. I feel very sorry for my friend though as he is still blind to the truth of her.

Lesson of the day... take nothing and noone at face value, some people lie, they cheat, they decieve and they manipulate all to suit themselves without any thought of the consequences, no matter how sincere they may seem.

Relationships like you see on the TV or romantice movies or comedies...exist purely in the realm of fiction, in this day and age women really can be as bad as men have been portrayed, "Dogs" I believe is the term.

It is a common misconception that all men want is sex, but in an age where the traditional gender roles are changing take it from me we sometimes want the romance too.. for me, this time, all I got was the horror story.

Ooo...this has been somewhat purging.. but nevertheless I am now as a result of this women and my own naievete a castaway on an island, population of two, and what I thought was a friendly dolphin circling the coast...turned out to be hungry man eating shark...careful where you enter the water reader..chances are you may,like me end up getting bit

Where to begin...

My first blog.. I imagine I'll ramble about pretty much everything from love life woes to hobbies, likes, dislikes, thoughts and feelings, what im upto yadda yadda yadda at some point on here I imagine it may be somewhat cathartic to write a blog, lot like keeping a public, somewhat anonymous diary of things.

anyway enough babble from me for now..

NeoWolf